Heartbreak

I saw this Swedish proverb the other day that I really liked--" Joy shared is joy doubled.  Sorrow shared is sorrow halved."  I really loved that and I really think it is so true (for myself at least).  I hesitated about sharing my current sorrow on this blog.  But because it's my blog and I can do with it what I want and because I really need my sorrow halved... I'm sharing it.  Almost 2 months ago I miscarried twins. It's been a difficult thing for me.  It's also been something I haven't really known how to deal with either.  I really wanted those babies.  I still really want them.  And it really hurts.  I have never struggled getting pregnant and have never had a miscarriage. I have had 4 babies exactly when I've wanted them.  And maybe that means I deserve to feel this pain.  Like my fertility was too easy.  But it's not a pain I would wish on anyone.  I never knew a miscarriage was so painful. I feel bad I never knew because I know several friends, sister-in-laws, neighbors who suffered a miscarriage or miscarriages.  I feel bad I didn't recognize their pain for what it was.

I get sick pretty early on during my pregnancies-- about 5 1/2 weeks it hits me.  And I don't get horribly deathly sick but I get nauseated, no energy, can't function sick and it is miserable.  This pregnancy was no different.  I got sick at 5 1/2 weeks-- right as my kids were out of school for the summer.  It's a summer I hope they can erase from their minds as I just laid on my bed every day, most of the day.  But the being sick is usually worth it.  At 9 weeks I went to my first doctor's appointment.  I am a paranoid worrier.  I always think of the worst case scenario.  I had thought of miscarriage but I had had 4 pregnancies without having one, I had been super sick which they say is a good sign and I just didn't think it was going to happen for those reasons.  The doctor did an ultrasound and found no baby.  He kept saying "I'm sorry" and in my mind I couldn't even register what was going on and my thought was, "Why does he keep saying he's sorry?" even though I knew the reality of the situation. They took me to the real ultrasound room and that's where they discovered a failed twin pregnancy.  They could find one baby that measured 6 weeks and the other hadn't seem to develop. I was sent home with an appointment to come back the next week to make sure my dates weren't off and to make sure they weren't still developing a week later. Just to make sure.  I knew there was no way my dates were off.  I knew it was what it was.  That next week was horrible.  I was still so sick and I knew I had two undeveloped babies or dead babies inside of me.  So I was sick and so sad.  I could spend the whole day on my bed staring at the wall and I was fine with it.  Luckily I have 4 other children that wouldn't allow that.  But to keep going felt like I was walking through a deep puddle of mud.  Each step was a fight and I just wanted to lay down and not do it.  And that's when the learning and growing started.  I learned so much about compassion.  I will be forever grateful for those who just showed up at my house with a treat, a dinner or took my kids.  Obviously at this point very few people knew what was going on. It's true-- you never want to ask for help.  I didn't.  But my mom just came and took my kids, my friends just showed up on my doorstep with food, and others just showed they cared.  I'll never forget that.  I've learned that just saying "I'm sorry" has such a huge impact and helps so much.  A week later my doctor was surprised to hear I was still so sick and hadn't had any signs of miscarrying.  He did another ultrasound and saw something slightly different so he sent me to get a real ultrasound again.  This time they saw that actually both babies had developed, both to 6 weeks but there were no heartbeats, no blood flow in their bodies.  It was not a surprise to me but I was glad to see both babies.  I was scheduled for a d&c a few days later.  I needed to get rid of the morning sickness and move on. That weekend I spent a lot of time thinking about those babies.  The thing is that I have seen 4 blobs like that on an ultrasound machine and I have seen them turn into 4 of my children.  I know what those blobs are.  And I still feel so connected to those two babies. Those two blobs I saw on that ultrasound screen. The thought of feeling better was good but the thought of them taking those babies was difficult.  I knew they were dead and they were making me so sick but I also didn't want them taken away.  I don't know where they are if that makes sense.  It's a difficult thought for me.  On July 9th I had the d&c(which as a side not was 15 years to the day I entered the MTC-another really difficult phase of my life). The d&c was a very emotional thing for me.  I was glad when it was over yet so sad.  I still didn't feel completely better for a couple weeks but most of the nausea was gone after the d&c.  The recovery was actually more than I expected too.  Yet once again I felt so much compassion from people for which I'm extremely grateful.  I've learned not to ask what you can do but to just do it.  How grateful I am for people who just did something.  And I still am so grateful for anyone who will just hug me, tell me they are sorry or just talk about it with me.  Talking about it helps me.  It makes me cry too but it helps.

Since then I've learned that all of this is a grieving process.  I have thought that I just want to forget about it and move on.  But it's not like that.  I lost something and grieving is how I have to get over it.  I really wish it was something that I wouldn't be sad about or cry about at random times.  I have never known the pain of seeing pregnant women.  I look at them and wonder if they are due when I was due.  I've never known how hard it is to hear that others are pregnant.  The "should have beens" are probably the most difficult.  I should have found out the sex of my babies by now.  I should have been looking pregnant by now.  I should have been starting to feel better by now.  I wish I could forget about the "should have beens".  But I'm afraid they are going to plague me for a really long time.  My arms have never felt so empty. Church has been especially difficult for me as it's a time that I end up really thinking about it and can't really control my emotions.  And since I'm the primary president I have to try to erase all of those emotions and go deal with all the craziness of primary.  Don't get me wrong I do love being with the kids and it's probably the best place for me.  It's good not to think about myself and my sadness.  It's good to feel the spirit in primary and hear those sweet songs.  They just have to realize that I am the crazy emotional lady sitting in the back sometimes.

I love Hilary Weeks.  Her music has got me through plenty of sad times in my life.  This past year I fell in love with one of her new songs called "Beautiful Heartbreak".  I've listened to it a lot this past month or so as I've been feeling heartbreak of my own.  It gives me hope and makes me wish this heartbreak I feel will become beautiful.  I know with time it will.  I just don't know how much time.  And I see it blossoming but it's just such a hard thing at the same time.  Yet it's so true that our trials are what make us who we are.  That they make us grow.  I distinctly felt that this was a reason I was going through this experience.  I distinctly felt that I need to know how to be more compassionate towards others.  To realize that you never know when someone is struggling with something.  Everyone has their own things they are struggling with.  Right now it's just my turn to struggle with this.  In the meantime I feel like I'm learning a lot and falling apart a lot too.  Just when I feel like I'm feeling better....I'm not and I fall apart again.  I'm learning to trust God & to let him help me carry my burdens.  To know that He is in charge.  And I'm learning that taking one day at a time is the only way I'll survive this.